Tuesday, August 11, 2009

The Unborn (2009)

I dont even want to take the time to review this one. Here is a breakdown of my viewing experience:

10:00 - The first jump scares begin. Movie loses integrity.
20:00 - The dialogue and characters have already become intolerable. I am already divested from the film.
40:00 - I officially want to just turn it off and cut my losses, which I never do.
1:00:00 - I stop eating sunflower seeds. Sleep is inevitable.
1:13:00 - I wake up and theres some sort of exorcism happening. The wife is asleep, the dog is running in circles barking at the ceiling, so I turn it off and call it a night. Care-o-meter rating on missing the ending: -12.64/100.

I cant believe this film was released in theaters, it should hardly have been given DVD treatment. The only successful scares are completely computerized and directly rip-off the styles of the Asian ghost films and Stir of Echoes; everything other attempt is a cheap startle moment with no suspense or impact. What is probably worst, though, is the awful writing. Example: The chick just randomly shows up at her father's job. Hes in a business meeting with top execs. He excuses himself: "Hey, Honey!" "Do I have a twin?" "Yes." "I that why mom went crazy?" "It was a long time ago, he died in utero." Sure, that may be paraphrased, but it is also 90% accurate. The father doesnt excuse himself from the meeting, doesnt say "Can we talk about this later?" Doesnt ever ask how she found out or why she wants to know.. The script entirely lacks cohesion and is nonsensical, only made worse by the shit-ass acting of a few made-for-TV teens. I cant stress enough the importance of missing this film, do NOT allow the distributors and filmmakers to profit off of garbage like this and avoid at all costs!

Rating: 4/10.
Entertainment: 2/10.
Gore: 0/10.



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9 comments:

  1. so wait a minute, let me get this straight, you didn't like this one?

    i know where you were at. i try to stick it out the whole way through but sometimes it can be very trying. if i nod off in the middle i just call it a day and stop it these days. life is too short. this one was on the queue but i'm taking it off now.

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  2. Normally I kick myself for falling asleep, but part of me believes I consciously willed myself to go to sleep to avoid any more brain ache. I make honest efforts to give even the worst of films a chance, but I just couldnt, the plotting was inexcusable. There were times when the stereotypical acting and dialogue were almost laughable, but I was so jaded by the film I couldnt find any fun in it.

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  3. You missed the ending? Good for you! I was held captive in a theater on a couples' date and couldn't leave. Watched the whole thing and I hated this p.o.s.!!! Oldman was in it just to collect a paycheck and you could tell. This is def one of the ones to miss imo.

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  4. If I had to reconstruct it, it would look something like this: Gary Oldman and a bunch of Rabbis are surrounding the chick performing the exorcism while that evil little bastard kid sits back and casts level 3 fireballs. What they didnt know is that one of the Rabbis was actually an ibbar, which is an evil Rabbi, and he is performing a reverse exorcism and the chick gets mind raped by a Satan and breaks free and totally breathes fire on everyone then explodes. The end.

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  5. I expected more from this movie too, but I didn't hate it. Gary Oldman doesn't need to do these kinds of things anymore, but at least he was a shiny light for this film. More luck with the next run of Fall horror movies.

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  6. I gave this one the same score as you did back when I regrettably saw this in theaters... a 4/10. It'll probably be a lower score should I watch it again, but that's doubtful. The only highlights of the movie were Odette Yustman's camel toe and the little kid getting hit by the car. And as much of a bitch as the black chick was, her pay off was so disappointing. She should have been mangled and ripped to pieces, eaten and shat out. Great review though!

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  7. Good call on that one Aaron, she really should have been ripped in two then had her split skull filled with demon shit

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  8. Haha, I'm glad I missed this one. I like the review format with the timecode. You should do that for more movies.

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  9. =D thanks for the feedback Becks, I may just have to implement that again shortly!

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