Saturday, September 26, 2009

Children of the Corn (2009)

Below you will find my timed experience for watching the film during the SyFy Channel premiere, best watched in conjunction with the actual film. The caps will pretty much summarize my views on it, so let's jump straight to the rating!!

Rating: 4/10.
Gore: 4/10.
Number of beers required to finish film: 4.
Percentage of similarity to original: 87%.
Better than original: No.
Displays creativity: No.
Number of views: 1.

8:00 That guy slaps like a girl.

10:00 Already hate this movie, lead actress is terrible, ugly. Assuming this version is going to be a shot for shot remake, only poopy. Questionable items: Stephen King co-wrote?? Is that the original theme?? This is supposed to be a period piece?? Did they let the actors know that??

27:00 Do people really use each other's first names in every line of dialogue?

30:00 So none of the kids aged in the 12yrs since the start of the film?

32:00 Second commercial break. Going pee.

34:00 Wish I had some Chex Mix. The movie? So far, so good.

38:00 Back on. Couldnt find any food Eating Corn flakes and Turtle Beer. Movie < style="font-style: italic;">Scare Tactics? Where do all these wet corn flakes keep coming from?

52:00 Why does the bitch make a Vietnam joke or the dude threaten domestic violence every 20m? Does saying the word "Vietnam" create the illusion that this is set in the 70s?

54:00 The first decent element in the entire film: the set designer did a pretty sweet job on the church. Creepy, atmospheric, and looks like kids could have done it.

55:00 Again with the using the first name in the dialogue. Who does that? "Stop playing games [or I will make my heart beat faster on the soundtrack]."

57:00 Is there seriously another commercial already? Thic fucking movie is going to end up bring an hour long. Gerard Butler is already in another movie?

1:02:00 Car windows make for an impenetrable fortress. Also, "I could have sworn there was more Bible here.."

1:04:00 Random acts of violence against impenetrable car/fortress. Take the headlights, but please, spare the paint job!!

1:07:00 Pretty damn sure this is the same town.. And who made all these kids clothes?

1:08:00 Knife fight in the alley. Isaac can throw a knife from a building across the street BAM into this dudes arm.

1:09:00 Whoever the fuck this dud e is just p0wnSEz'd those kids. He aint taking shit from no one.

1:10:00 Hoe fight in same alley. Second poWnZinG!11!! In the proverbial hoe fight between kids and a Vietnam vet, Vietnam vet has the upper hand.

1"13:00 Scene ends with him running from alley. Next scene: Burt (?) is running down the highway miles away, presumably within seconds. Continuity? Also: the best defense against crazed slash unkempt children is corn.

1:15:00 Chugging third beer..... NOW!! I win chugging competition against self.

1:21:00 Is Isaac "Uh Huh" from THE LITTLE RASCALS movie?

1:22:00 The Blue Man = Tobias from Arrested Development?? Worst.. Song.. Ever.. Wait why would that dumbass watch them singing then make noise if hes trying to run from them? Ugh.. Movie.. TOo.. Logical..... Original theme reprisal.. Too logical and too original. I think this is the same corn they used in the first film too..

1:24:00 Drunk. Also, lightweight. Making mental comparisons of this and APRIL FOOLS DAY remake. Pretty sure this is better. Not positive. Making note to reinforce hatred tomorrow.

Side note: I may be the only wan wathcing this this th e closed captioning on, but did anyone else notice that the subs dont read correctly? The song towards the beginning was entirely incorrect, and some of the dialuge cant be heard but is shown in full sentences on screen.

1:27"00 Courntey Gains or whatever the fuck his name is makes a much better Malechai.. Im pretty sure this version is a child rapist

1:29L00

This is no time for crying like a pussy over knife wounds soldier

1:30: 00 there is now Vietnam soldiers in the corn fields. This is the first significant change between this film and the original. What makes it most believable is the CG laser blasts coming out of the machine guns

1:32:00 Kachum or whtever his name is got shot by presumably imagined Vietname soldiers. Not sure if I am imagining everything at this point. Obviously couldnt be wahts really happening in the film.. thats silly..

1:34:00 Second piss more satisfying than first. Misjudged whether or not I was finished. Oh, uncut version of the film will be on DVD on Oct 6th?? SWEET!! Because, there were definitely more than 2 main characters, so Im dead fucking sure that we missed out on tons of great unrated gore!!11 Will be sure to grab this one ASAP [additional feigned enthusiasm] ZOMBIELAND looks pretty amazing.

1:38:00 Movie shows impressive constitution; despite shitiness, has balls enough to return from commerical break.

1:41:-- FINALLY theres some implied boning in the series. Im pretty sure I just saw dude pubes.

1:42:00 Random acts of violence against corn. Burt passes out from exhaustion after mercilessly having a knife fight ith corn. Wakes up. Presumabley has a boner. Uses stars to save self. Likely going to be unsucessful.

1:45:00 corn fights back, uneventful. credit given to filmakers: making corn interesting is hard. Do not blame them from their straight to syfy channel movei sucking at this point. Mine would have sucked too.

1:48:00 every scene with the exception of the imagined Vietname Vets and the burnt up pain in the ass annoying bitch have been a shot for shot remake.*SPOILER ALERT FOR THE PREVIOUS STAMETN* Literally every scene. WHERE THE WILD THINGS ARE has of good as CG as STAR FOX on Game Cube. (That should imply not good CG). (Well, not good by todays standarsds, but back then the graphixs were pretty sweet).

1:50:00 the commerical for th DVD has convinced me to buy the DVD, just preordered on Amazong.. NOT.. God DAMN Im clever..

1:56:00 WTF.. I turn away form two seconds and the dude is fucking dead??

2:00:00 Do not want.



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7 comments:

  1. They had the gall to make this TWO HOURS LONG?! What happened to the magical 72minutes WITH CREDITS?

    1:41 sounds like a highlight, otherwise, this sounds terrible.

    But hey, don't knock the April Fools Day remake, it had its' moments.

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  2. Yay, I was hoping you'd do another one of these! Glad I missed out on this one.

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  3. It was only two hours because I watched the premiere on SyFy, minus the commercials it couldnt have been longer than an hour lol.. But APRIL FOOLS DAY only had one good moment: the credits, but they were delayed farrrr too long!

    I didnt realize until I just woke up that I didnt even rate the movie or anything, I got to the end at 4 turtle beers.

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  4. Number of beers for me was 2, but that's all I had.

    Otherwise, I guess we both picked out the same flaws. Did you find that watching Burt work his way through an hour of corn was the most boring part of the film when he DIES AT THE END! We watched him do all that work so he could eat it. God damn.

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  5. i didn't want to be the one to say this but i think you might have a drinking problem Carl. when watching movies on the Sci fi channel (or whatever they call it these days) you need at least a case to appreciate them. your problem is not keeping enough beer in the house.especially when it's a remake of Children of the Corn. also never buy anything online when your hitting the sauce. 4 out 5 times it ends in tears. just speaking from experience.

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  6. I liked the hour he spent in the corn more than the hour of having to put up the most annoying actress in the history of terrible Horror remakes lol..

    I tried wiec, I tried.. I gave the flick almost a full half hour of sobriety hoping it was going to be watchable, and I didnt want to pass out before the end so I could give it at least some sort of fair judgement =D

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  7. This is the greatest film review I've ever read. LOL I'm afraid to actually watch this movie.

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