Saturday, December 19, 2009

Satan Claus (1996)

Imagine in your head the worst low-budget film you have ever seen. The characters are empty, lifeless shells. The screen is impenetrably black due to inferior lighting. The dialogue is muffled at best. The film appears to have been shot on your parents camcorder. The camera zooms are rigged and abrupt. Useless and redundant scenes are stretched out to depressing lengths to fill the run time. And the acting... If you can even call it acting... Envision all of these elements that we each associate with terrible filmmaking. Was Santa the first thing to come to mind when you closed your eyes? Because he should have been. SATAN CLAUS single-handedly sets the scale for what a terrible movie can be. The list of poor filming techniques above is the short list for this train wreck. The main reason why it is so bad is because there was a valid effort made for it not to be bad; it is taken desperately seriously, which in the end makes it that much more of a joke. Typically, hardcore Horror fans with no talent or education will shoot these awful no-budget disasters as an excuse to throw in an insane amount of gratuitous nudity and gore, but SATAN CLAUS offers neither. The gore is so tame an unremarkable it may as well have not existed, since the cheap rubber limbs only add to the amateur nature of the film. It is all the more disappointing that it was made by Massimiliano Cerchi, who also directed the poorly made but outrageously gory PLANKTON. There is no foreseeable way that this film could ever be enjoyed by anyone, ever. It never crosses over into the terrible but entertaining B-movie Slasher that I was hoping for, and it should be avoided at all costs. A deranged Santa kills people, then its over. The end.

Rating: 1/10.
Gore: 3/10.
Number of views: 1.



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3 comments:

  1. Wow 1 out of 10? No good t&a and low gore quotient? I'll make sure to steer clear. Never heard of this one and now I can see why.

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  2. Theres only one shower scene and it is weak. Real weak. Weak and ugly.

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  3. It's good to know that we can agree on the shitty nature of at least one Christmas horror film. I imagine that we will have a second one when you review 'Psycho Santa' as well.

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