Thursday, March 4, 2010

Hellgate (1989)

The abysmal FX in this late-80s schlocker attempt to outmatch the terrible script and acting, but the bar has already been set incredibly high. HELLGATE follows a group of friends that are lured into a cursed ghost town by a mysterious woman in white. It isn't long before the town's ghostly inhabitants set in on the intruders. For some inexplicable reason, the dialogue is all read phonetically, with every syllable being pronounced in a series of incredibly unnatural performances. Scenes are hilarious when they shouldn't be, and terribly unfunny where they should be. Watching the film on mute may actually have made for a more rewarding viewing experience, where the imagination could make up for the poor writing. On top of everything else, HELLGATE boasts the most unattractive cast this side of MADMAN. The only remotely positive aspects of the film involve some of the most random gore ever filmed (including a mutant zombie turtle) and a series of surreal dream-like sequences in the ghost town that recall the Horror classic CARNIVAL OF SOULS. A sad, pathetic CARNIVAL OF SOULS. HELLGATE is just plain terrible filmmaking at its worst, and isn't even bad enough to be enjoyed with friends.

Rating: 3/10.
Gore: 4/10.
Number of views: 2.



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6 comments:

  1. This one IS a stinker, alright. It's like it was going for three or four different types of 80's horror pic... and it failed badly at each try, then just finally throws it's hands up in the air & says "fuck it".

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  2. This will not be an 80's unearthed gem I take it. Thanks for taking one for the team.

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  3. Weird, cause I kind of really enjoyed it. I reviewed it a few months back after watching The Pit on the flip side of the disc. Wasn't expecting much from this one, but the sheer randomness--evil bikers, spontaneously combusting fish, mimes--was a really fun time. It's bad, but bad in a unique way that was kind of refreshing.

    Or maybe I have realllllllllllllllllllly bad taste.

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  4. Ive tried two times and there were moments where I had to ask myself "Is it bad enough that we are enjoying this, self?" but I just kept coming back with no, no it isnt. I do love the one chick's ridiculous sarcasm though =D

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  5. I have never see this before, but Carl..."HELLGATE boasts the most unattractive cast this side of MADMAN". That s*** had me on the floor. Are they really that bad...cuz that's pretty bad.

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  6. Lets put it this way: Horshack is the best looking cast member, and you get to see him nude..

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