Sunday, July 4, 2010

Stan Helsing (2009)

Stan Helsing, video store clerk extraordinaire, sets off with a group of friends to a Halloween bash, but a fateful stopoff at Stormy Night Estates reveals that Stan is the last remaining descendant of Van Helsing, the famed monster slayer. Stormy Nights' resident demons attempt to destroy Stan and the gang before he comes to realize his hidden potential! With a strong premise, licensing for each of the major Horror characters (including Pinhead, Chucky, Freddy, Jason, Leatherface, and Michael Myers), and the producers of SCARY MOVIE on board, this should have been a home run. Instead, audiences are left with a criminally unfunny Horror Comedy that is completely devoid of intelligence, and one that relies solely on the worst toilet humor to try to scare up cheap laughs. The Slasher icons are wasted on this pathetic film, appearing for less than a quarter of the runtime, while the leads run around in circles without direction or purpose. After over an hour of painful dialog and uneventful plotting, the monsters finally catch up with Stan and friends, but rather than confronting them in a final battle, the inhabitants of Story Nights force the two factions into a Karaoke battle to decide the champions. STAN HELSING is an awful mess that should be avoided at all costs.

Rating: 5/10.
Number of views: 1.

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  1. 5 out of 10?????!!???

    That's incredibly generous. I don't believe that many films warrant such low marks but this was unutterably bad. It was offensively bad. It was unremittingly, unapologetically, unconscionably bad. No good points whatsoever beyond basic camera being straight, lighting being adequate and sound being audible. Boo.

  2. The 5 is definitely a gift from the Horror gods for the production and not the script or execution. A 5 in my book is still a major fail (you really have to earn a grade lower than a D), but it was still clean and we have all seen worse acting. Horrible film though, hopefully the remaining copies are destroyed so no one else makes the mistake of watching it.

  3. This film is a total BOMB. I did a video review for this on my blog last month. What a piece of crap.

  4. A good, straight-forward, and helpful review Carl! Thanks. I was going to check this one out (I do like the "title", but then again, clever does not mean good) but after your words, I don't think I'll waste the time.

  5. Hahaha - I could have told you all of this WITHOUT seeing the movie. You can easily tell that you're getting into sub-SCARY MOVIE-territory here... not a good place to be when the SCARY MOVIES themselves are sucky pieces of trash that appeal to the lowest common denominator. Astro pities any fool who went into this film expecting or even daring to hope for something more.

  6. I actually wrote about this in my Year-End list on That Guy With The Glasses (cheap plug). It was one of the Top 12 Worst Performing Films of 2009, just narrowly making more than crap like 'Gentlemen Broncos.' As a bonus, the film was made in 2007, but sat in a vault until that year.

    I like James Rolfe aka The Angry Video Game Nerd doing his piece on it from ComicCon. He talked about how he hyped the film before and...apologized for doing so after seeing clips from it there. Ouch.

  7. Another atrocious movie. A friend lent it to me and I couldn't even finish watching it. Painfully bad. This could be one of the "traps" in a SAW movie. Two guys trapped in a room together with this film playing in heavy rotation on a tv. The remote control is sewn up in one guys stomach and the other has a scalpel.....

  8. Would anyone believe me if I told you I actually made it to the end of DATE MOVIE?

  9. It wasn't a horror movie you jackasses! It was a spoof, and as a spoof, it was 10/10!

    You should stop watching horror movies, since you don't actually know how to tell them apart from other movies.

  10. I definitely forgot to list this as a Horror Comedy in the review, thanks for saving me from the embarrassment. As a spoof, this was an F. Minus. Tell you what, since you are clearly a far superior critic, why don't you start a review site, review over 1,500 Spoofs, and I will stop by and tell you how terrible your taste in films is.


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