Van Helsing (2004)

The unfortunate success of Stephen Sommers' disastrous THE MUMMY RETURNS awarded him an unrestricted creative license to meddle with the remaining Universal Monsters in VAN HELSING. The legendary monster hunter embarks on his greatest adventure yet, as he tries to stop Dracula from using the Frankenstein Monster's seed to create an army of fledgling vampires that will soon take over the world! How Frankenstein's monster dong ever got involved in this story, the world may never know. Sommers continues to show a complete disdain for logic, reason, and reality, preferring instead to create the most over-the-top and ridiculous action sequences imaginable. Normal is never good enough for Mr. Sommers; every scene must be taken to the extreme, no matter how unnecessary the shot may be. There can be no suspense when impossible feats are being performed by unextraordinary heroes. VAN HELSING is not only a trial in excess, but also in bad acting. As if Hugh Jackman and Kate Beckinsale were not bad enough with their preposterous accents and overblown theatrics, Sommers brings on character actor Richard Roxburgh in one of the most flamboyant portrayals of Dracula that audiences have ever seen! For all of the millions of dollars that Universal invested in state-of-the-art motion capture technology, greenscreening, computerization, and compositing, the film looks like shit. It is unconvincing and instantly dated at best, cartoony at worst. The updated monsters fare no better, and pale in comparison to their former selves. None of this even addresses the brainless script that haphazardly ties everything together. VAN HELSING is nothing but an over-budgeted effects show laid out over poorly drawn characters and a harebrained plot.

Rating: 6/10.

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  1. so you didn't like it, i must be blinded to kate's beauty... i was entertained and yes i do agree that the monsters were kind of queer. oh man i really liked the mummy returns too... what you must think of me.

  2. Sommers just expects his audience to toss out all logic and give in fully to the fantasy worlds he creates. I gave up on Van Helsing when the friar throws the only existing cure for Van Helsing's werewolfism across the collapsed bridge, and Kate miraculously swings across on a rope to grab it. THEN, the friar just runs across the side of the bridge anyways! It is just too much to bear =D