Tuesday, April 1, 2014

Top Ten Reasons Why 'Jaws: The Revenge' Is the Best Movie Ever Made

1. This shark is out for REVENGE! Because, naturally, sharks are cognizant beings that seek revenge against their transgressors. This was a key factor that was missing from the previous films. Before, the sharks would just eat for food or out of boredom. Now, its motives are much more brooding and calculated.

2. The shark roars like a dinosaur. Another fact that was overlooked in each of the other sequels. Lead scientists in the field of underwater research have proven that the great white has an impressive vocal range that sounds very similar to several large species of dinosaur. This makes Jaws 4 the most accurate portrayal of the great white in film.

3. Lance Guest. Lance Guest's award-winning performance as Mike Brody is intense and sincere. It is the introspective moments in the film that truly define his character, where we find him staring at himself in the mirror, contemplating whether or not he should keep tagging sea snails for a living. He outshines even the great Roy Scheider in the series.

4. Banana Boat. Need I say more?? I'll be damned if I ever ride another banana boat in the Caribbean after seeing this movie. Honestly, what did you think was going to happen? The ratio between Women Riding Banana Boats in a Horror Film and Dying is 1:1. Want to save money before your next vacation? Show your kids the banana boat scene.

5. It built Michael Caine's house. And what a fine house it is! Michael Caine has been quoted as saying this about Jaws - The Revenge: "I have never seen it, but by all accounts it is terrible. However, I have seen the house that it built, and it is terrific."

6. They made a Nintendo game out it. Yeah, that's right. It may have just been called Jaws for brevity's sake, but we all know it was about Jaws - The Revenge. The fast-paced action and suspense has you assume the role of Mike Brody as you shoot helpless sea creatures with your monstrous harpoon gun. If you're lucky, Jaws will randomly show up and float aimlessly around the screen for a few minutes. And if you're REALLY lucky, you may accidentally be able to align the boat properly in the final showdown against the killer shark.

7. The tracking device. Who needs John Williams' tired old score when you have the electronic bleeping of a tracking device on hand to warn you when the shark is preparing to strike? Nothing strikes terror in the heart of men like modified fishing equipment.

8. The giant swing that overlooks the water. This is a parent's best friend. Before, you had to worry about your kid flying off of the swing and breaking a limb. Now, children are afforded the luxury of landing safely in a shark's mouth, or dying a horrible and tragic death after landing in the water and drowning while their irresponsible-ass parents are off drinking cool island cocktails. Kudos, giant swing that overlooks the water designer!

9. The shark is real. Budgeting constraints forced director Joseph Sargent to use real sharks in the filming of Jaws - The Revenge. This is clearly evidenced in one of the underwater scenes where Mike is attacked by the shark in his little yellow submarine. The giant metal arm that can be seen beneath the shark was a tethering device used to control these beautiful creatures in nature, providing for some of the most realistic-looking attack sequences in the series.

10. Random acts of Sharksplosion. Getting back to the science behind Jaws - The Revenge, another little know fact is that the great white naturally explodes when hit with even the slightest amount of force, as we have seen in the film's climactic ending.

2 comments:

  1. Great article. My favorite film of all time. That hack Carpenter hasn't made a horror film any where near the pinnacle reached by director Joseph Sargent here. And Karen Young is the definitive "final girl". I have my entire back covered in an tattooed homage to this film. Of course, I ran out of room, so Ellen Brody and Hoagie each had to take a butt cheek.

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  2. It's the subtlety and mood that makes Jaws: The Revenge such a classic. It also inspired my favorite quote of all time, from Michael Caine: "I have never seen it, but by all accounts it is terrible. However, I have seen the house that it built, and it is terrific."

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